Severus Snape and Jareth the Goblin King Duel
by BewilderedFemale
Summary: One-shot of total nonsense, and humor. Jareth and Severus Duel for the hand of the same woman, who will win? -Craziness, not to be taken seriously :oP


**Authors Note: ****It's been on my mind for a while, needed to have it released… Oh I wish!**

**"SEVERUS SNAPE AND JARETH THE GOBLIN KING DUEL"**

"I warn you now, forfeit this face off and leave with your dignity intact, there is no possible way that you will be able to defeat me!" Severus had his wand at the ready, side stepping carefully with one hand behind him and the other pointing at king Jareth as if ready for a fencing match.

"You forget who you are directing yourself to, you overgrown greasy git! I am king of the goblins and you.. " He laughed heartily "You do not stand a chance!"

"Bewildered Female is mine! She desires me above anyone else, so why fight? The battle is already won, step down humbly or be put to shame by my wand!"

Jareth leaned his head back and laughed again; "Do you really think she'd choose you; over this..." He displayed himself to Severus; his strong sculpted body in overly tight pants that showed off EVERYTHING all the way up to his face which was porcelain white, arched eyebrows and glowing lips, and his wild spiked hair, in short; he looked like a god.

Even Severus had his lips slightly parted as he watched his arch rivals body in fascination, doubt setting in for the first time. _Maybe she does favor him.. "_Might wanna close your mouth, even you are drooling at my hot body"

"Actually, I was wondering how Bewildered Female could contemplate someone who looks like a chick who got hit with an ugly stick."

"HOW DARE YOU!" Jareth roared and quickly made a crystal appear. "I warn you now Severus, I can be cruel!"

"So your going to sing out of key and dance like a queer in front of me as punishment?" Severus said mockingly, a sly grin plastered on his face.

"That's it isn't it? Tra la la! Make fun and try to rouse my anger because you know you are going to lose, I see your tactic! I refuse to see bewildered female sleeping alongside an overgrown bat who's favorite pastime includes collecting animal entrails, and scaring children stupid!"

"Because forcing putrid goblins into watching you frolic gaily about the castle, and laugh at pointless jokes is so much better."

"Silence, I will not be mocked! I am King, KING!"

Suddenly a small goblin came running up the hill, furiously trying to get the attentions of Jareth.

"Sire, sire!" He jumped up and down, waving his hands wildly.

Jareth put his head down, and sighed heavily. "What.. is .. it... I'm in the middle of an ensuing battle for the hand of Bewildered Female!"

"Sire! Your collectors edition of 'pretty in pink' frilly tablecloth and matching tea cozy has arrived."

"My what?"

"But, but.." The goblin now terribly nervous. "You said that.. that I should inform you at once when it arrived."

"I ordered no such thing, I !"

Suddenly he looked over to find Severus collapsed on the floor, laughing hysterically; shoulders bobbing up and down, and tears streaming down his face.

"Shut up and face me!"

Severus slowly got up, still laughing and trying to wipe the tears away from his eyes when Jareth quickly bent down to where he was and conjured yet another crystal.

"What on earth are you doing?" Severus asked, still getting some of the laughs out of his system.

"A gift, if you walk away now.. I offer you your dreams, anything you could want will be yours."

Severus looked suspiciously at the crystal and then back at him. "Are you hitting on me?"

"IN YOUR DREAMS!" Jareth bellowed.

"Which is exactly what your trying to offer me, don't get me wrong, your attractive, with a nice bum and all but I don't like you like that."

"For the last time, I am not gay!" Jareth shouted, angry that he had been faced with someone who was intellectually outsmarting him.

Silence fell between them, when Jareth spoke again: "How about we share."

"I do not share"

"draw straws?"

"NO!"

"How about I have her during the week, and you can have her on weekends!"

"That's the same as sharing, and I've already stated that I will not let Bewildered female have another, she will be solely mine to ravish in the comforts of my bedroom, or anywhere else she so desires."

"Oh Severus, that is the sweetest thing I've ever heard anyone say!"

Both turned stunned to see Bewildered Female running up the hill towards them.

She embraced Severus and both fell to the ground, kissing passionately.

"How can I say any different my love? You write such passionate things about me, you describe me as someone with a heart and true feelings, and actually allow me to have a happy ending, how can I not love you?"

They were turning together to leave to Severus' quarters when Jareth held out a crystal and began to spin around him at furious speeds.

"This is not over, You will be mine Bewildered Female, YOU WILL BE MINE!" and with a cloud of glitter, he was gone.****

Like I said, sheer nonsense. LOL!


End file.
